hey there. so much has changed since that day. the day that I knew exactly would change my whole life completely.
I still can't believe the things that happened that day. if I could, I would forget it, forget what happened that day, clearing it from my mind. I thought I've succeeded. but I didn't. the thoughts about what happened that day keep nagging in the back of my mind, begging to be acknowledged, to be reminisced, but I couldn't handle it, I still can't.
like I said before, so much has changed. time flies by. I am now a senior high school student. I'm wondering what would you say if you knew that I was accepted in the best school in town. when I got my national exams results, I couldn't help but thinking about the what ifs. what if you were there, feeling the same warmth of happiness when you heard that I got the not-so-bad results. what if I told you that I would enroll in that kind of school. what would you say, what would be your reaction. would you doubt me that I could survive? or would you give it all up to me? would you respect my choice? would you give me your wise opinions like you used to do before? I don't know the answers of all the questions above. one thing I know is, I'm 100% sure, if you saw my exams results, your reaction would be: smiling your usual warm smile (my favorite smile), patting my head proudly, and saying those words about how much you were proud of me. and you would tell all your friends, like you did whenever I won or achieved something.
then what you would say about my daily life. I am now went home at almost night time. I barely had time to spend with mummy and the other. I went home exhausted, almost always in a bad mood, not wanting to do anything but sleep. I rarely made convos with mummy. even if we did, we would just end up in a fight and me being the one blamed. I am tired and sick of being blamed of something I didn't even do. I am tired of not being understood, no one understands me. to be understood is all I'm asking. I'm still adjusting with my new life and I'm pretty sure I deserve to be treated better. yes I'm whining, I know that. that's why I'm missing you now.
I know you would treat me better if you were here. you would give me advices I would be holding onto, but sadly you didn't. even if the time has passed and I should've been getting over it, I can't. I miss you. I miss waking you up in the morning, whining a little when I was running late. I miss sitting in the same car with you, your old car, the familiar sight that always reminds me of you, but now the old thing's replaced. I know exactly the way you adjust the rear mirror, the way you turn up the radio, listening to boring news. and you would be annoyed if you found a mistake in the DJ's words, commenting their punctuation and such. I miss having you to teach me how to ride a bike. when I was younger, you liked to comb my hair. I didn't like it, but I love your expression everytime you were done combing my hair, like you had hopes for me to be a beautiful woman one day. what would you say now that my hair is longer than the last time you saw me? what would you say now that I've grown up from your little kid into a teenager? would you see the changes in me? ever since you're gone, I always tried to be mature, more and more and way more mature than before. I rarely cried over you. I always tried to be strong, because bawling my eyes out everytime my friends talk about their d's proudly, is not exactly funny. I know that I'm different with the others, I have a different story. but I won't let that change who I am now, I won't be a sad girl walking around solo, doesn't have any friends by her side. someone I'm not.
because you are one of many reasons why I'm surviving.
because even if you're gone, I still love you with my whole heart.
because my prayers for you never stopped.
because you are one of the few people I love, more than I love myself.
because I live for you, for you and mummy's smiles.
happy (supposed to be) your b-day, daddy. please rest in peace, and watch me turning into someone you'd be so proud of.
I still can't believe the things that happened that day. if I could, I would forget it, forget what happened that day, clearing it from my mind. I thought I've succeeded. but I didn't. the thoughts about what happened that day keep nagging in the back of my mind, begging to be acknowledged, to be reminisced, but I couldn't handle it, I still can't.
like I said before, so much has changed. time flies by. I am now a senior high school student. I'm wondering what would you say if you knew that I was accepted in the best school in town. when I got my national exams results, I couldn't help but thinking about the what ifs. what if you were there, feeling the same warmth of happiness when you heard that I got the not-so-bad results. what if I told you that I would enroll in that kind of school. what would you say, what would be your reaction. would you doubt me that I could survive? or would you give it all up to me? would you respect my choice? would you give me your wise opinions like you used to do before? I don't know the answers of all the questions above. one thing I know is, I'm 100% sure, if you saw my exams results, your reaction would be: smiling your usual warm smile (my favorite smile), patting my head proudly, and saying those words about how much you were proud of me. and you would tell all your friends, like you did whenever I won or achieved something.
then what you would say about my daily life. I am now went home at almost night time. I barely had time to spend with mummy and the other. I went home exhausted, almost always in a bad mood, not wanting to do anything but sleep. I rarely made convos with mummy. even if we did, we would just end up in a fight and me being the one blamed. I am tired and sick of being blamed of something I didn't even do. I am tired of not being understood, no one understands me. to be understood is all I'm asking. I'm still adjusting with my new life and I'm pretty sure I deserve to be treated better. yes I'm whining, I know that. that's why I'm missing you now.
I know you would treat me better if you were here. you would give me advices I would be holding onto, but sadly you didn't. even if the time has passed and I should've been getting over it, I can't. I miss you. I miss waking you up in the morning, whining a little when I was running late. I miss sitting in the same car with you, your old car, the familiar sight that always reminds me of you, but now the old thing's replaced. I know exactly the way you adjust the rear mirror, the way you turn up the radio, listening to boring news. and you would be annoyed if you found a mistake in the DJ's words, commenting their punctuation and such. I miss having you to teach me how to ride a bike. when I was younger, you liked to comb my hair. I didn't like it, but I love your expression everytime you were done combing my hair, like you had hopes for me to be a beautiful woman one day. what would you say now that my hair is longer than the last time you saw me? what would you say now that I've grown up from your little kid into a teenager? would you see the changes in me? ever since you're gone, I always tried to be mature, more and more and way more mature than before. I rarely cried over you. I always tried to be strong, because bawling my eyes out everytime my friends talk about their d's proudly, is not exactly funny. I know that I'm different with the others, I have a different story. but I won't let that change who I am now, I won't be a sad girl walking around solo, doesn't have any friends by her side. someone I'm not.
because you are one of many reasons why I'm surviving.
because even if you're gone, I still love you with my whole heart.
because my prayers for you never stopped.
because you are one of the few people I love, more than I love myself.
because I live for you, for you and mummy's smiles.
happy (supposed to be) your b-day, daddy. please rest in peace, and watch me turning into someone you'd be so proud of.
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